Buying Cigarettes
I came - I saw - I bought

How to enjoy your cigarettes guilt free

Recent scientific studies have shown that smoking cigarettes has its long-term health benefits. They provide effective relief for Kuntz Syndrome (named after Austrian physician Albert Kuntz): a rare medical condition in which the sufferer exhibits symptoms similar to acute hyperthermia and requires heavy doses of nicotine in order to feel cool.

The laxative effects of nicotine can also reduce constipation, which can be a particularly persistent problem among non-smokers; a local GP was happy to explain to me, whilst lighting up, that a common complaint received from his non-smoking patients is "I'm quite literally full of sh*t."

Cigarettes are also known in the medical community to be useful withdrawal aids for much more dangerous drugs. The aforementioned GP described a patient who suffered from a ferocious addiction to candy sticks and, due to the detrimental effects they were having on her teeth, sought help. She was advised to adopt an appropriate substitute to replicate the act of sucking a candy stick, thereby weaning herself off the addiction. Cigarettes were the only viable option.

Thanks to a long, cigarette-intensive programme and the medicinal marvels of tobacco, the patient's teeth have stopped causing her pain as they can no longer be found attached to her jaw - the absence of her teeth has also contributed to a 100% cosmetic improvement to their unsightly appearance.

Given the obvious benefits of these little flaming friends, it is frankly astonishing that there are still many (liberal extremists mostly) who sneer at this and promulgate fear-mongering facts about the consequences of cigarette smoking. This betrays a shameful cowardice on their part. The deployment of facts and logic is a cheap tactic and the easy way out of any debate.

In response to this, here is your 10 point guide to dealing with some of the problems associated with cigarette smoking:

Problem 1) "Smoking makes your clothes smell, which deters others from interacting with you."

Solution) Only interact with fellow smokers. At parties, gather outside with them in a conspiratorial huddle. Avoid the non-smoker; if approached by him/her, politely explain that you'd feel more comfortable if they didn't smoke somewhere else or perhaps direct them to an allocated non-smoking area. Even passive inhalation of judgemental sighs can lead to social exclusion, depression, suicide, and therefore death. Do not take any chances. If the deviant persists explain that you're not willing to allow your health to be put at risk by their selfish decision to not smoke. Remember, not smoking in 100% of cases leads to death. You should not have to tolerate it.

Problem 2) "Smoking can cause excessive tooth decay."

Solution) Only one tooth? You can live with that.

Problem 3) "Smoking can give your fingers an unsightly, jaundiced appearance."

Solution) Rub mustard onto your entire body each morning; this way, the fingers won't stand out so much and you need no longer feel self-conscious.

Problem 4) "Smoking can cause breathlessness."

Solution) On a day-to-day basis try holding your breath for as long as you can, time it, and then try going for longer. You may not find this helps much but at least this way you're in control.

Problem 5) "Smoking clogs up your arteries."

Solution) Rinse out your arteries every night with a bottle of red wine. If you're out of red, lighter fluid works just as effectively.

Problem 6) "Smoking can cause ageing of the skin."

Solution) Embrace your prematurely wizened features. You may not get another opportunity. Remember, we all get old; you're just so alternative you're doing it before everyone else.

Problem 7) "Smoking is an expensive habit."

Solution) Make drastic cuts to your food and drink expenditure; you won't need food anyway as nicotine is an appetite suppressant. In a recession we all have to make sacrifices.

Problem 8) "Smoking can cause infertility and a diminished libido."

Solution) Do not smoke while having sex; any fire hazard in the bedroom will almost certainly lead to a diminished libido, possibly infertility, and potentially death. Alternatively, you may welcome nicotine-induced infertility as it will save on contraception, not to mention substantially reduce the cost of raising a child. (Thus, problem 8 will also act as a solution to problem 7.)

Problem 9) "Smoking can seriously harm your unborn child."

Solution) Not if you're infertile, it can't. If in doubt, smoke more cigarettes just to be safe.

Problem 10) "Smoking can lead to a slow and agonising death."

Solution) For more efficiency from your mortal termination consider other options. Nobody likes hospital waiting rooms and paperwork and you should not have to put up with these either; you're a busy, busy person and you have lots of smoking to do. If not seeking death, consult the Non-Smoker's Guide to Not Dying; this should be a last resort (unless you find it works.)

So there you have it, your 10 point guide to dealing with the problems associated with smoking guilt free. Remember, you don't need to endure the sneers of the anti-smoking brigade; recite these responses and you'll have them doubting their victory in no time. Failing that, simply exhale into the offender's face, creating a convenient smoke screen, whilst you make a swift exit in an aloof fashion.

You have been reading a work of satire. If you needed this disclaimer, it clearly achieved its aim.

Published: Tuesday, February 05, 2013

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